The Cocoon

I has been a very long time since my last post, and for that I apologize to any readers who follow me.

The last time I wrote, we were still on vacation, and I was feeling frustrated with my lack of dominance. After vacation, we came home, and promptly moved to another city (that was in the cards before we left) so a lot of our time was taken up by that. However, since the move, we have been practicing more BDSM. It does kind of come and go, but let me explain that in more detail.

I don't think I'm ever going to be a "constantly on" dominatrix. Every week, there is at least one day where I tie my husband up and "punish" him for one reason or another. Sometimes I let him have an orgasm, sometimes not. But this regularity, although not every day, has been really good for both of us. I have gained a lot of confidence. It has really changed me, more than anything. I am more confident. I am less submissive during conflict. When he is doing something I don't like, I am very firm when I voice my opinion about it. I am able to defuse him much more easily than in the past. We have built up a great deal of trust together.

We currently live in a neighborhood. It is a place with very little privacy. We cannot be too loud, because houses are somewhat close together, and we are foreigners here, so we would not like to be any more alien than we already are. After our house is built, we will be living in a much quieter part of town, and I am really looking forward to having more privacy. At any rate, things have been going well with us, and I just wanted to post something positive about it.

Thank you to everyone who has offered me advice on this blog. I can't tell you how invaluable it has been to me, to not feel alone in this. I would have given up long ago, if I hadn't known that it was so... common. :-) Thanks again.

Difficulties

So, it's been some time since I last wrote.

The last blog I posted, caused some ripples between my sub and myself. On top of that, I was on my period at the time (lame excuse, but it still applies), and I was fighting with my sister, via email. He took off his collar and told me that we needed to take a week off because I was emotionally unstable and I needed time to think without the pressure of being the mistress. I attempted to get him to be a slave again, which he refused, and it was pretty much fall-out from there.

About two weeks or a month before, he drafted and we signed a contract, where he basically gave me possession of his person, mind and body. When he decided that we needed time off, I brought this contract out and tried to use it. He still would not submit, because I refused to accept his submission earlier in the day, he said it was hard to trust me. To me, his actions in that moment voided the contract, rendering it meaningless.

He still claims to be submissive, and there are still moments when he definitely is. There are times when I am still dominant, but they are becoming less and less now.

I feel very torn about the situation, and when I talk to him about how I feel, he doesn't seem to understand, and there has been a lot of frustration between us about it. He does not understand how his refusal to follow the contract (which was his idea) could break my trust in the way that it did. I still have a hard time addressing my actions during that time. It is not easy to be the one in charge, the amount of responsibility can be intimidating and it is hard to see flaws in myself. As much as he wouldn't submit, I couldn't be in charge. I do not have the amount of emotional control and self discipline needed to be objective when it comes to my emotions. Its so easy to blame my husband for my failings, but when you are the boss, the buck stops there.

I am young, and my understanding of female dominated relationships is limited. I only know from my own experiences, and from reading about other people and what they practice in their own relationships. Relationships are very unique, and reading about what other people do can only help so much. In the end, we all have to decide what we are comfortable with, and we must decide on a relationship dynamic that works for OUR relationship. What works for one couple, doesn't necessarily work for every couple.

Our relationship has not been female dominated for a couple months now. He has begun wearing one of my silky nighties to bed, which I like. I have always slept naked, and continue to do so. It's so sweet when he puts the nightie on at night. I instantly feel him become vulnerable, and even shy. I love the way he is when he has the nightie on. I feel stronger and more confident when he wears it. I cannot really pinpoint why, but it changes our dynamic dramatically.

The past three weeks, we have been on vacation abroad. We did not bring the silky nightie, and there has been a difference in the way we act together. We both act differently. I am more submissive, but I resent it. It's not because of him though, I just feel like I have to be. We have been traveling in countries that have a lot of Muslims, and I feel the male domination in the culture. I am more shy, less confident, I worry constantly about what I am wearing and how I look. This drives him crazy, to see me without confidence. I am touchy, and very emotional.

I want us to go back to a female dominated relationship, but I'm not sure what exactly is needed to help it improve from what it was before. I'm not sure that I want to be a disciplinarian, and I feel that is something he really needs for him to feel truly dominated. He says to me often, that I am afraid of how much I like beating him, but I'm not really sure about what I feel. I know I like it, I know it turns me on, but I don't always feel like doing it.

Part of me is also afraid, that if I become completely dominant, I am going to lose some parts of our relationship that I really enjoy. My husband is a very smart, sensitive, and insightful man. I don't want to lose the part of him that helps me grow. I know I need his criticism, but I'm resistant to it as well. I'm not sure that I can grow in a relationship where I am the boss all the time. I have so many things that I need his help with, and it would be so easy to gloss over them if I can just snap my fingers and stop growing.

Where is the middle ground?

sadism, punishment, and money management :-)

So, I have not written in a week, and it's due, I believe.

Since the last time I posted, which was the letter from my little slave, things have been going blissfully well. My hormones have leveled out, which is lovely for me, and for my pet.

So, I want to talk about sadism.

I have never before in my life, thought of myself as a sadist. I have never even considered the thought of enjoying the pain of another person, or living being. In fact, in the past, I would have felt no connection to this concept at all. I would have shuddered at the thought of "hurting" someone.

This is no longer the case.

Understanding that my husband is a masochist, pain holds a whole new meaning in my life. Pain is now a threat, that I dole out when, and if, I need to. Seeing the way that it affects him makes me excited. I love to show my dominance by hurting him. Weather he wants it or not. Its liberating. Sometimes I beat him with a horse whip until he cries.

I went to a near-by resort with his family that came down to visit us. We all got drunk and had fun while he dog-sat. When I called him the next morning he was half asleep and his attitude was not what I would call acceptable. When I came home I tied him up and beat him until he had welts and was crying. It was so satisfying to be able to punish him. I love that he is willing to submit to my whims.

I no longer immediately associate physical pain with emotional duress. I think this might be one of the biggest hurdles that women go through, when beginning a relationship like the one I am in. I am not under the impression that every man who is submissive, is masochistic. I know this is not the case. My husband happens to be submissive, AND masochistic. The pain is almost a drug. A drug that makes him MORE submissive, and even happy. It is not something I typically use to solve arguments, although we have used it as "punishment" on more than one occasion of misbehavior. The truth is, in those scenarios, he was almost always the one to suggest that I "punish" him. In this way, it isn't really a punishment. Although I feel the satisfaction of taking my frustration out on him physically, he still get's what he wants.

In the last post, there was a comment from George, about punishing my little pet with different methods. In the blog femdom101 (also at blogspot) Kathy talks about a couple that handles things in a unique way. The wife tells her husband to go out back and dig a hole. She tells him the size and depth it should be, but does not tell him why. Upon his completion of the hole, she tosses a stick in, and tells him to bury it. Later, she tells him it's in the wrong spot and makes him dig it up and bury it in another place. I love the concept of this punishment. It is both physically wearing and frustrating. At any point after this, when the husband misbehaves, she simply says, "fetch the stick". It's awesome, to say the least.

One of the ways I like to punish my slave, is to pick out romantic comedies to watch with him. Now we all know, that romantic comedies are also known as chick flicks, and honestly, not very many of them are that good, unless you love useless mush. Usually, one viewing is all that is necessary. Some of them are downright atrocious. Another TV related thing I like to torture him with is Greys Anatomy. It is sappy, silly, and dramatic. I love it... he loathes it. It makes for a very enjoyable time when he has been bad.

Now, to be honest, he is pretty good, most of the time. I wrote one of my blogs while I was on my period, and I'm afraid that I may have given an unbalanced view of my husband. I have said in past blogs that, before we really began our true dom/sub relationship that I did almost all of the housework. I should have specified, that the comment only really applied to AFTER we moved to South America. When we lived in the US, I worked a regular job, and he was home, and we were remodeling his house, so he did do a lot of work. When we moved here, yes I did more housework, however, he did most of the shopping, and all of the bill-paying errands. In a way, it was balanced. Our roles have changed dramatically in this new lifestyle. Every purchase must be approved by yours truly, and housework is almost always done by my pet. We have (more or less) equal say in money matters. I think that is essential for any relationship. I don't trust myself to make all of our financial decisions, and he is an online trader, and understands the relationship of money and investment much better than I. We have found a fairly level ground in that area.

No relationship is easy. An "alternative" relationship isn't much different. We are all constantly searching for what works best in each situation. What works for me, may not work for you. And that's ok.

I'm happy, my husband is happy, and to me, that is bliss.

Letter from the little slave...

After a suggestion from a friend, I decided to have my husband/slave write this blog. I think it's very insightful into the mind of a submissive, and even helps me understand him better. Enjoy!



So I am the sub in question.

At the urging of a friend of my Mistress, I decided to write this blog. I have been interested in what I found out to be BDSM since adolescence. I did not know that this was something that people did. I thought I was a major freak and for a long time I didn't really date. Some people thought I was gay, and others thought my standards were very high. I always liked to be in a submissive role. I was used as a sex object/toy by a few relationships. I liked it, but the women always ended up feeling guilty. Also, I have noticed that women in general have confidence problems. I think that all people have problems with self esteem. Men in general just hide it better, yell a lot, and die younger.

I never wanted to be in a normal relationship. I struggled for most of my post-pubescent life with this. I saw a number of therapists concerning my interest in pain, and total submission to a woman. I was told (a few times) that its really not a big deal, and that as long as everyone is happy, it is really not a problem. From that point on, I really started to get more serious about finding a woman to own my sorry butt. You never really know what something is like until you try it.

My first real experience with a completely submissive relationship was when I was 25. I was honest with the woman and told her that I had no experience. She was understanding, and we started slow. She said she didn't really think it would work, but she was willing to try. I was a total slut. She did wonderfully sadistic things to me, and I loved it.

She left a lot of lasting marks. On my body they lasted only a few days... in my mind they have never faded.

I was totally hooked, and she could see that I was totally submissive and willing to learn. But as life goes, she found someone she was more interested in, and as a totally pathetic sub, I thanked her for all of her time, and only spoke to her when she wanted after that. I took a little time off, and had a few "normal" girlfriends. It was fun. One or two of them I liked, but I knew that it was not for me.

Total submission is hard. A 24/7 submissive role can be hard to take. I am really submissive, and until my Mistress and I started doing this all the time I didn't really understand. At the same time, being a slave to my Mistress is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. I am the happiest I have ever been. She loves to see me being happy. She loves to see me on my knees, she knows that I am totally happy serving her.

It is hard to break out of the roles that you are expected to fill. I still have a hard time believing that she respects me. I am so happy, but the way we act towards each other and the relationship is so atypical. As much as I have a hard time with my feelings of emasculation, I know Mistress has a hard time being "mean". We have talked about how my former Mistress would beat and sodomize me. Mistress said, "Wow, that's so mean". I don't think it is. It's something that we both liked.

Some people would think that treating your spouse like a slave and telling him to wear a collar is mean, or even abusive. And here I am in a collar writing this, and we are both happy.

Its never easy to make a change, so why would this be any different? We will always struggle... life is a struggle. We are happy, and for the first time in our relationship my wife has some confidence. Before we started the full time D/S relationship she had none. And very little emotional control. With the advent of the lifestyle changes, I have seen a huge change. Its a great change for the better, and she now has the desire to have emotional control. Its wonderful to see real happiness in the person you love. My relationship with my wife is the best part of my life. I make every day an attempt to make a step closer to total submission. I know that every day Mistress makes a step closer to comfortable control of our lives.

-Mistress's slave

Training

So, I have never trained a bottom before. I'm not sure what to do, it makes me less confident, and in turn, my husband/submissive acts out. He argues. He pushes me. If I'm not strong enough to push him back, I get upset. A lot of it is my confidence in that moment, but there are times when I am less confident. Also, when it's "that time of the month" I feel very unstable, and this comes out in my confidence level. Supposedly, I pick fights. In reality, I just get offended really easily.

Part of me feels, that to punish my sub during those times, would be unfair. He is like a puppy with me usually, with sweet eyes, sitting at my feet, gazing up at me...

But when I am not feeling confident, he loses respect for me. He talks back, and acts out. Our bickering sometimes becomes full blown fighting, and yelling. I start being defensive, and he hates to see that weakness in me. If I cry, it's all over. He tells me he can't be submissive to me if I am not in control of myself. Which I understand, but generally makes me feel worse.

Being a woman is hard sometimes. For a week of every month, you feel like a bi-polar psychopath. Maybe not all women have this, but I know that I do. Sometimes birth control can help it or make it worse. The most important thing, is that you and your partner are both aware of when this is going on. My husband has even gone so far as to ask me to use a highlighter on our calendar to mark the days of the month that I am going to be "crazy". It sounds like he's being mean, but in reality, him knowing when my period is, helps him react to me in a more understanding way. If he knows that I am "PMSing" then he can keep himself from being offended by my behavior as much. It's not a perfect system, we still usually bicker, but it does help for him to know that it's "that time".

The main reason for me writing on this subject, is that it happened yesterday. We fought and bickered all day, from the time we got up, until almost when we went to bed. By the time we went to bed, things were settled down again, but I want to avoid these fights in the future. I have to stop being so wishy-washy and learn to be firm. And to stand strong. If I am strong and dominant, there is no place for him to argue with me. Which, in turn, means there is no reason for us to fight.

I am supposed to be the LAW in these here parts... I just need to act like it, right?

Learning Curve (part 2)

The truth is, control is a huge responsibility.


I think this may be the most intimidating part of beginning a female-led relationship. It is also part of the reason it is difficult to change gears in a relationship that is already established in another direction. My husband confessed to me, after we began practicing this lifestyle again, that he tried so hard to be "normal" because he really wanted our relationship to work. He didn't know if I could, or would even want to, be in control. I wasn't sure either, but I felt like what we were trying to make our relationship into was a lie. He wasn't happy, and I wasn't happy. We struggled. We still struggle, but at least now, there is a much more honest approach, and my knowledge of my husbands desire to be submissive does make things more simple. I have the last say, in most cases.

Now, the problem that is hard to look at in female-led relationship, is that if the woman doesn't want to change, she doesn't have to. The male is open to any change that his mistress wants. Being the person that I am, I want to grow spiritually and emotionally. I am 27 and my husband will be 30 in October. We have so much growing left to do, so much to learn about ourselves and our desires. It would be wrong for me to deny my husband the option to tell me when he thinks I am going in the wrong direction. I value his opinion, above all others. However, I don't know a lot of people that take "creative criticism" well, and frankly, I know for a fact that I don't. Being the dominant person, this leaves room for me to push him out, even when he's right. This is something we have not yet found a solution for, other than having the fight, and working through it that way.

Then there are times, like when we fight, that he acts inappropriately. He loses his temper, even yells at me sometimes, and that is just not acceptable in a female-led relationship. It really isn't acceptable for any relationship. But the benefit of this lifestyle, is that when he acts out in a way that I don't like, there is the option of punishment. The punishment can be physical or mental, but never emotional. I never withhold myself emotionally from my husband. I try to always be honest about my feelings with him, and I would expect the same.

Back to the punishment.

My husband is a masochist. If you want more details, click the word. Basically, it means that my husband enjoys some kinds of pain. This is something that is really hard for some people to understand. However, if you talk to a masochist about it, they will tell you that pain given to them by a sexual partner (or sometimes even in cases not involving sex) is almost like a drug. It takes their mind to a different place, and also helps them to be more submissive.

The aspect of causing someone physical pain as punishment seems barbaric. I had a very hard time with it at first. I entered my relationship with the man who is now my husband when I was 23. In some ways it's a benefit, and in some ways it's a hindrance. I didn't know much at all about masochism, and I was literally afraid to hurt him. It's only been in the past two months that I have even been able to hit him hard enough with the riding crop to leave a bruise. The really funny thing is, he told me that when he saw the bruises in the mirror, it made him smile, and it made him thankful that he had a mistress who was not afraid to be strict.

There are other forms of punishment. Chores are a good one. I like nothing better than seeing my husband do dishes, or mop the floors. The first three years of our relationship, I did ALL the housework, pretty much. This has changed a great deal since we stepped into our new roles.

I also control when, and how, he has orgasms. Orgasm management is something I really, truly did not understand until I read the blog Around Her Finger. Now that I get it, I love what it does for us. When we were younger, I used to have to beg for sex. I would cry regularly, having been rejected YET AGAIN, when making advances for sex. I waited until I was 23 to have sex for the first time, and when I found the man I wanted to be with, our libidos did not match. This was the cause of probably hundreds of our fights.

Now that I manage his orgasms, we have sex whenever it pleases me, and he only orgasms if I say he can. Often we have sex, then he goes down on me until I orgasm several times, and then we are finished. There is always cuddling. At first it was strange to orgasm, and not have it completed by his. But you get used to it, and so does he. It's a strange concept though, taking away something he really wants, yet he loves that I have control of it. When he does get to orgasm, he claims that they are more potent, stronger, and more powerful than his orgasms of the past. He doesn't get to masturbate anymore either, which helps. His sexual energy is saved completely for his mistress, and that is how it should be.

I don't claim to know a lot about female dominance. I get the concept. But the execution is a little harder to accomplish. I am not an experienced mistress, but I will get there. :-)

Learning Curve (part 1)

I whip my husband... and he likes it.

Before I met the man who is now my husband, I had never thought, even for a moment, about being in an BDSM type of relationship. It did not scare me when he brought it up, although I felt shy because I wasn't really sure what to do. At first it seemed all innocent, "tie me up and spank me a little", to which I was happy to comply. The hardest thing for me was to really cause him pain. And when I finally did, I felt guilty because part of me really liked it. I felt like I might be a bad person because I liked causing another person physical pain. When I first began this journey, of becoming the loving, dominant wife that I am now, I was 23. We continued this way for about a year and a half, and the whole time, I still felt like I wasn't sure what he really wanted. I wasn't embracing my dominance at all, and this really made the rest of our relationship a bit tumultuous. It seemed like there was always this kind of power-struggle. Shortly after we married, while we were finishing the renovation of he and his brother's house in order to sell it, things seemed to really flare up. By the time the house was sold, and we were preparing to live abroad, we had stopped with dom/sub sex play altogether.

At the time we left the US to come to South America, we had been in our relationship for two years, and in our marriage for three months. If you have ever gone to live in a country where you do not have a good grasp on the language, you know that it can be very isolating. You do not usually strike up conversation with random people, unless they happen to speak your language. We also moved to the coast, which is a tourist attraction in the summer, but is very scarcely populated in the winter. I really think for being 25 and 28 years old, we got along well for basically spending every waking moment together. But we did get into arguments about the normal kind of crap that you would argue about in our situation. How to make gravy. Actually, lots of debating about what is the best way to do this or that. Our opinions differed on lots of things like this. But then there were some fights in there, that made me wonder if we could really make our relationship work. It sometimes felt like we fought about everything. I felt sometimes like I had no control. And when he was upset, he would say whatever nasty thing he felt like, only to apologize for it later. I was bothered a great deal by that behavior. He was like a child acting out in rebellion.

I would often wonder if he still wanted me to be dominant. Sometimes I would ask him if he wanted to try to play that way again. He often told me that he didn't think I was "dominant enough". I felt like we needed to discuss whether or not he wanted it, but he was still afraid to tell me what he really wanted and needed. It wasn't until nearly a year and a half of not practicing dom/sub behavior, that we were finally able to take the step back in, the catalyst to get where we are now. And that was only really about a month and a half ago.

So, in Nov. of 2009, my youngest sister came to stay with us, under the agreement that we would pay for her ticket, let her live in our house for 3 months, feed her, and even pay for her to drink when we did, which was fairly regularly. In exchange for this barter, my sister agreed to basically be our housekeeper. She's 22, and in reality, it was a hell of a deal. I felt my husband took his job as "boss", too seriously, but I also agreed with him on many of the occasions she would get upset with his strictness. She would wake up in a bad mood, to "come to work" at 12pm. She would work at her own pace, which was fairly slow. It sounds mean, but I had been keeping the house clean up until she came, and when it came to dishes, she would drag that time out as long as she could. She was officially done cleaning at 5pm. And she did not have to work Sundays.

Did I mention that it was summer at this time, and we live half a mile from the beach?

At any rate, my sister and my husband were fighting like cats and dogs. Then my mother came for four months, overlapping with my sister for two weeks. So, from November until mid-May, we had guests in our house. My husband became very irritable, and my mother felt uncomfortable with this. It made things difficult, and there were, of course, fights.

One day, about a month before my mom went home, my husband and I were at the vet buying pills for the dogs, when I saw this thick, studded collar. I brought it to my husband and told him to buy it. The look in his eyes was surprise... and excitement. We took it home, and he wore it in bed that night. It made him so excited. He had an erection the entire time he had it on. I knew things had to change. The fact that it was my idea, excited him so much. However, the timing of this change was difficult. My mother was still staying in the house with us, and was literally in the next room. The worst part of this, was that there actually a hole in the wall between us, a gap at the crest of the wall, next to the ceiling. I could here her rolling over in bed at night, so imagine trying to have sex while worrying someone can here you. In your own house. For FOUR MONTHS. Needless to say, after the collar was purchased, there was a serious want for alone-time. Which was not available, because my mother would not leave the house. This is it's own story, which I will share at a later time, but it really just boils down to a lack in motivation to get out and exercise. She would go as far as the living room, and hang out on the computer. The only time she really left the house, was to walk to the supermarket, a block away.

Things boiled over one day, when we argued while on a walk alone together. It doesn't really matter what the fight was about. It was all came from frustration over the lack of sex, and lack of time alone to explore this side of our relationship privately. At any rate, my husband bought a ticket to another city, in Argentina, and went on a vacation alone for two weeks. I was left alone with my mother. The first couple days were really hard. We had not been apart like this is more than a year, not to mention the circumstances. However, we began corresponding over emails, and skype. He confessed to me that he had been talking with a former girlfriend, with whom he had a female dominated relationship before. He said she was really surprised that he had gone so long without being submissive. Then he gave me the link for a blog called Around Her Finger. It was not until I read the letters, and advice given on this blog, that I could truly understand what it was he had been really needing from me.

He needed me to take complete control.