Difficulties

So, it's been some time since I last wrote.

The last blog I posted, caused some ripples between my sub and myself. On top of that, I was on my period at the time (lame excuse, but it still applies), and I was fighting with my sister, via email. He took off his collar and told me that we needed to take a week off because I was emotionally unstable and I needed time to think without the pressure of being the mistress. I attempted to get him to be a slave again, which he refused, and it was pretty much fall-out from there.

About two weeks or a month before, he drafted and we signed a contract, where he basically gave me possession of his person, mind and body. When he decided that we needed time off, I brought this contract out and tried to use it. He still would not submit, because I refused to accept his submission earlier in the day, he said it was hard to trust me. To me, his actions in that moment voided the contract, rendering it meaningless.

He still claims to be submissive, and there are still moments when he definitely is. There are times when I am still dominant, but they are becoming less and less now.

I feel very torn about the situation, and when I talk to him about how I feel, he doesn't seem to understand, and there has been a lot of frustration between us about it. He does not understand how his refusal to follow the contract (which was his idea) could break my trust in the way that it did. I still have a hard time addressing my actions during that time. It is not easy to be the one in charge, the amount of responsibility can be intimidating and it is hard to see flaws in myself. As much as he wouldn't submit, I couldn't be in charge. I do not have the amount of emotional control and self discipline needed to be objective when it comes to my emotions. Its so easy to blame my husband for my failings, but when you are the boss, the buck stops there.

I am young, and my understanding of female dominated relationships is limited. I only know from my own experiences, and from reading about other people and what they practice in their own relationships. Relationships are very unique, and reading about what other people do can only help so much. In the end, we all have to decide what we are comfortable with, and we must decide on a relationship dynamic that works for OUR relationship. What works for one couple, doesn't necessarily work for every couple.

Our relationship has not been female dominated for a couple months now. He has begun wearing one of my silky nighties to bed, which I like. I have always slept naked, and continue to do so. It's so sweet when he puts the nightie on at night. I instantly feel him become vulnerable, and even shy. I love the way he is when he has the nightie on. I feel stronger and more confident when he wears it. I cannot really pinpoint why, but it changes our dynamic dramatically.

The past three weeks, we have been on vacation abroad. We did not bring the silky nightie, and there has been a difference in the way we act together. We both act differently. I am more submissive, but I resent it. It's not because of him though, I just feel like I have to be. We have been traveling in countries that have a lot of Muslims, and I feel the male domination in the culture. I am more shy, less confident, I worry constantly about what I am wearing and how I look. This drives him crazy, to see me without confidence. I am touchy, and very emotional.

I want us to go back to a female dominated relationship, but I'm not sure what exactly is needed to help it improve from what it was before. I'm not sure that I want to be a disciplinarian, and I feel that is something he really needs for him to feel truly dominated. He says to me often, that I am afraid of how much I like beating him, but I'm not really sure about what I feel. I know I like it, I know it turns me on, but I don't always feel like doing it.

Part of me is also afraid, that if I become completely dominant, I am going to lose some parts of our relationship that I really enjoy. My husband is a very smart, sensitive, and insightful man. I don't want to lose the part of him that helps me grow. I know I need his criticism, but I'm resistant to it as well. I'm not sure that I can grow in a relationship where I am the boss all the time. I have so many things that I need his help with, and it would be so easy to gloss over them if I can just snap my fingers and stop growing.

Where is the middle ground?