Monday, August 16, 2010


So, it's been some time since I last wrote.

The last blog I posted, caused some ripples between my sub and myself. On top of that, I was on my period at the time (lame excuse, but it still applies), and I was fighting with my sister, via email. He took off his collar and told me that we needed to take a week off because I was emotionally unstable and I needed time to think without the pressure of being the mistress. I attempted to get him to be a slave again, which he refused, and it was pretty much fall-out from there.

About two weeks or a month before, he drafted and we signed a contract, where he basically gave me possession of his person, mind and body. When he decided that we needed time off, I brought this contract out and tried to use it. He still would not submit, because I refused to accept his submission earlier in the day, he said it was hard to trust me. To me, his actions in that moment voided the contract, rendering it meaningless.

He still claims to be submissive, and there are still moments when he definitely is. There are times when I am still dominant, but they are becoming less and less now.

I feel very torn about the situation, and when I talk to him about how I feel, he doesn't seem to understand, and there has been a lot of frustration between us about it. He does not understand how his refusal to follow the contract (which was his idea) could break my trust in the way that it did. I still have a hard time addressing my actions during that time. It is not easy to be the one in charge, the amount of responsibility can be intimidating and it is hard to see flaws in myself. As much as he wouldn't submit, I couldn't be in charge. I do not have the amount of emotional control and self discipline needed to be objective when it comes to my emotions. Its so easy to blame my husband for my failings, but when you are the boss, the buck stops there.

I am young, and my understanding of female dominated relationships is limited. I only know from my own experiences, and from reading about other people and what they practice in their own relationships. Relationships are very unique, and reading about what other people do can only help so much. In the end, we all have to decide what we are comfortable with, and we must decide on a relationship dynamic that works for OUR relationship. What works for one couple, doesn't necessarily work for every couple.

Our relationship has not been female dominated for a couple months now. He has begun wearing one of my silky nighties to bed, which I like. I have always slept naked, and continue to do so. It's so sweet when he puts the nightie on at night. I instantly feel him become vulnerable, and even shy. I love the way he is when he has the nightie on. I feel stronger and more confident when he wears it. I cannot really pinpoint why, but it changes our dynamic dramatically.

The past three weeks, we have been on vacation abroad. We did not bring the silky nightie, and there has been a difference in the way we act together. We both act differently. I am more submissive, but I resent it. It's not because of him though, I just feel like I have to be. We have been traveling in countries that have a lot of Muslims, and I feel the male domination in the culture. I am more shy, less confident, I worry constantly about what I am wearing and how I look. This drives him crazy, to see me without confidence. I am touchy, and very emotional.

I want us to go back to a female dominated relationship, but I'm not sure what exactly is needed to help it improve from what it was before. I'm not sure that I want to be a disciplinarian, and I feel that is something he really needs for him to feel truly dominated. He says to me often, that I am afraid of how much I like beating him, but I'm not really sure about what I feel. I know I like it, I know it turns me on, but I don't always feel like doing it.

Part of me is also afraid, that if I become completely dominant, I am going to lose some parts of our relationship that I really enjoy. My husband is a very smart, sensitive, and insightful man. I don't want to lose the part of him that helps me grow. I know I need his criticism, but I'm resistant to it as well. I'm not sure that I can grow in a relationship where I am the boss all the time. I have so many things that I need his help with, and it would be so easy to gloss over them if I can just snap my fingers and stop growing.

Where is the middle ground?


  1. Please don't give your self too hard a time. What you are trying to do is very difficult. I know: my beloved an I have tried to do it three or four times over the course of a 35 year relationship, and it feels as if we may just be creating something sustainable now.

    It is a cliche that communication is key to making this kind of relationship - or any kind of relationship - work. But it's true. It's especially important in this kind of relationship, where there aren't a lot of social models and rules to go by. In essence, the two of you are making everything up as you go along. That's why all this blogging that we do is really important: we show each other different ways that this can (or sometimes doesn't) work.

    Two things: I strongly believe that his feelings are not going to go away. From what he shared a few posts ago, his history with this is not so different from mine. 25 more years of experience tell me that this desire is in there for good.

    So if he says he doesn't want to do this any more, he's deluding himself. He may not want to do it right now, and I would easily believe that he may not know exactly what he wants. But it has to do with you being dominant, and it's up to the two of you to figure out what that is.

    What my beloved and I are trying is two forms of communication: one within what we call "the arrangement", in which I am required to tell her how her actions affect me. And another outside of "the arrangement", much less often, in which we discuss how "the arrangement" is working for us. But if I have a complaint, or it's not matching my fantasy, or even if I'm unhappy, I just have to suck it up until the next time we have that conversation. Which I know we will. (Though I haven't had to do that yet.)

    It may sound funny to have a conversation about how you're "supposed" to be in charge. But it is a conversation that does come from a place of power for you: he's not going to get this from anyone else, and you have the right to complete candor from him about what he's feeling and how it's working for him.

    Of course you want him to grow. Of course you want him to be happy. But you get to set the terms and define the experiments and circumstances through which that growth will happen. And then you get as much feedback from him as you want, and you give him as much as you want. And you change and continue.

    The growing never stops.

    Sorry, probably more than you want to know, but perspective from across the generation gap.


  2. Despite your self-proclaimed "newness" to the lifestyle, your insights and your questions show that you're on the right track. The main issue is how to get the D/s in your relationship working before the two of you become so frustrated with it that you leave it on side, become indifferent to it, or damage the relationship further.

    I would suggest that some of your ending comments (don't want to lose certain parts of him if you become dominant, where's the middle ground) are the key to rebuilding the kind of relationship you are both looking for.

    If you are to play the dominant role, then you should decide what parts you want to keep for you, for him, and for the relationship, and that may include areas where you want him to take the lead. Not in the spirit of having him being dominant in these areas, but rather in the spirit of him doing it for you.

    You both need to sit down, and make a list of "can't live without", "would like to have", and "never in a million years" for your Female-led or Femdom relationship as you both see it. From that point on, slowly try to work the list into your everyday life, with you leading the way and him reinforcing your ways.

    Of course, it's a lot more art than science, but you both have to find a path you can walk together. And it's way better than the standstill that you seem have come to.

    And if I may be so bold, swing by and check out our blog. While we benefit from a head-start from many years of expeience, many people have told us that our writing has helped them get a better grasp on their own relational dynamics issues.

    Good luck, and don't hesitate to get in touch with Selena or me if you have questions.

    Owned & collared by Goddess Selena

  3. I am a submissive man in a very similar relationship with my wife and understand both your frustrations. I am in early 50's and my wife is in late 50's. We have been married for a almost 25 years and have been experimenting with this lifestyle for at least 23 of the 25 years in our marriage. We are both very fit and she looks like a hot woman in her 30's! We have had an on and off domme/slave relationship. Mostly, due to raising a family, children in our life, work and every day practical living pressures have not allowed us the freedom to have maintain a sustained domme -slave dynamic.

    I though, really blame her "for not being dominant enough". If she was really a domme, she would have rules that she could enforce all the time but she is laid back a lot of the times and could not be bothered with consistent treatment that I require and need as a slave -so in my frustration, I stop being the slave that she could have and retreat into my own fantasy world. She wants me and loves me to be her slave and at times disciplines me but mostly is not driven by the need to dominate me and would prefer to be pampered by me without having to exercise control. To me that kills my desire to serve and then the family issues take precedence and we revert to long periods of so called "normal" lives without any D&S. This continues till my desire to be a slave again is so overwhelming that I literally have to make an enormous effort to rekindle that dynamic and the cycle repeats....! I think once we have more privacy and as we have more time together, we will one day really live a more consistent life as a Domme and Slave...for me that day can not come too soon. I hope, I have been able to provide you with a little insight into a (one) slave's mind that may be in some aspects similar to your husband.


About Me

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I am 27, married, and I am a loving and dominant wife. I live in a quiet, South American coastal village with my husband and our two dogs. I have been writing as long as I can remember. I have had much experience with relationships in my short life, having cared for the elderly, and the terminally ill for five years. I learned early about the value of honesty, with yourself and those close to you. This blog is about teaching that lesson to others, and helping them better their relationships of all forms.