Monday, June 7, 2010

Learning Curve (part 1)

I whip my husband... and he likes it.

Before I met the man who is now my husband, I had never thought, even for a moment, about being in an BDSM type of relationship. It did not scare me when he brought it up, although I felt shy because I wasn't really sure what to do. At first it seemed all innocent, "tie me up and spank me a little", to which I was happy to comply. The hardest thing for me was to really cause him pain. And when I finally did, I felt guilty because part of me really liked it. I felt like I might be a bad person because I liked causing another person physical pain. When I first began this journey, of becoming the loving, dominant wife that I am now, I was 23. We continued this way for about a year and a half, and the whole time, I still felt like I wasn't sure what he really wanted. I wasn't embracing my dominance at all, and this really made the rest of our relationship a bit tumultuous. It seemed like there was always this kind of power-struggle. Shortly after we married, while we were finishing the renovation of he and his brother's house in order to sell it, things seemed to really flare up. By the time the house was sold, and we were preparing to live abroad, we had stopped with dom/sub sex play altogether.

At the time we left the US to come to South America, we had been in our relationship for two years, and in our marriage for three months. If you have ever gone to live in a country where you do not have a good grasp on the language, you know that it can be very isolating. You do not usually strike up conversation with random people, unless they happen to speak your language. We also moved to the coast, which is a tourist attraction in the summer, but is very scarcely populated in the winter. I really think for being 25 and 28 years old, we got along well for basically spending every waking moment together. But we did get into arguments about the normal kind of crap that you would argue about in our situation. How to make gravy. Actually, lots of debating about what is the best way to do this or that. Our opinions differed on lots of things like this. But then there were some fights in there, that made me wonder if we could really make our relationship work. It sometimes felt like we fought about everything. I felt sometimes like I had no control. And when he was upset, he would say whatever nasty thing he felt like, only to apologize for it later. I was bothered a great deal by that behavior. He was like a child acting out in rebellion.

I would often wonder if he still wanted me to be dominant. Sometimes I would ask him if he wanted to try to play that way again. He often told me that he didn't think I was "dominant enough". I felt like we needed to discuss whether or not he wanted it, but he was still afraid to tell me what he really wanted and needed. It wasn't until nearly a year and a half of not practicing dom/sub behavior, that we were finally able to take the step back in, the catalyst to get where we are now. And that was only really about a month and a half ago.

So, in Nov. of 2009, my youngest sister came to stay with us, under the agreement that we would pay for her ticket, let her live in our house for 3 months, feed her, and even pay for her to drink when we did, which was fairly regularly. In exchange for this barter, my sister agreed to basically be our housekeeper. She's 22, and in reality, it was a hell of a deal. I felt my husband took his job as "boss", too seriously, but I also agreed with him on many of the occasions she would get upset with his strictness. She would wake up in a bad mood, to "come to work" at 12pm. She would work at her own pace, which was fairly slow. It sounds mean, but I had been keeping the house clean up until she came, and when it came to dishes, she would drag that time out as long as she could. She was officially done cleaning at 5pm. And she did not have to work Sundays.

Did I mention that it was summer at this time, and we live half a mile from the beach?

At any rate, my sister and my husband were fighting like cats and dogs. Then my mother came for four months, overlapping with my sister for two weeks. So, from November until mid-May, we had guests in our house. My husband became very irritable, and my mother felt uncomfortable with this. It made things difficult, and there were, of course, fights.

One day, about a month before my mom went home, my husband and I were at the vet buying pills for the dogs, when I saw this thick, studded collar. I brought it to my husband and told him to buy it. The look in his eyes was surprise... and excitement. We took it home, and he wore it in bed that night. It made him so excited. He had an erection the entire time he had it on. I knew things had to change. The fact that it was my idea, excited him so much. However, the timing of this change was difficult. My mother was still staying in the house with us, and was literally in the next room. The worst part of this, was that there actually a hole in the wall between us, a gap at the crest of the wall, next to the ceiling. I could here her rolling over in bed at night, so imagine trying to have sex while worrying someone can here you. In your own house. For FOUR MONTHS. Needless to say, after the collar was purchased, there was a serious want for alone-time. Which was not available, because my mother would not leave the house. This is it's own story, which I will share at a later time, but it really just boils down to a lack in motivation to get out and exercise. She would go as far as the living room, and hang out on the computer. The only time she really left the house, was to walk to the supermarket, a block away.

Things boiled over one day, when we argued while on a walk alone together. It doesn't really matter what the fight was about. It was all came from frustration over the lack of sex, and lack of time alone to explore this side of our relationship privately. At any rate, my husband bought a ticket to another city, in Argentina, and went on a vacation alone for two weeks. I was left alone with my mother. The first couple days were really hard. We had not been apart like this is more than a year, not to mention the circumstances. However, we began corresponding over emails, and skype. He confessed to me that he had been talking with a former girlfriend, with whom he had a female dominated relationship before. He said she was really surprised that he had gone so long without being submissive. Then he gave me the link for a blog called Around Her Finger. It was not until I read the letters, and advice given on this blog, that I could truly understand what it was he had been really needing from me.

He needed me to take complete control.


  1. please continue when you can, very interesting developments, would love to hear how you made FLR work

  2. thanks for being my first commenter! I'm working on my next post now, thanks for the encouragement...


About Me

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I am 27, married, and I am a loving and dominant wife. I live in a quiet, South American coastal village with my husband and our two dogs. I have been writing as long as I can remember. I have had much experience with relationships in my short life, having cared for the elderly, and the terminally ill for five years. I learned early about the value of honesty, with yourself and those close to you. This blog is about teaching that lesson to others, and helping them better their relationships of all forms.