Thursday, June 10, 2010

Learning Curve (part 2)

The truth is, control is a huge responsibility.

I think this may be the most intimidating part of beginning a female-led relationship. It is also part of the reason it is difficult to change gears in a relationship that is already established in another direction. My husband confessed to me, after we began practicing this lifestyle again, that he tried so hard to be "normal" because he really wanted our relationship to work. He didn't know if I could, or would even want to, be in control. I wasn't sure either, but I felt like what we were trying to make our relationship into was a lie. He wasn't happy, and I wasn't happy. We struggled. We still struggle, but at least now, there is a much more honest approach, and my knowledge of my husbands desire to be submissive does make things more simple. I have the last say, in most cases.

Now, the problem that is hard to look at in female-led relationship, is that if the woman doesn't want to change, she doesn't have to. The male is open to any change that his mistress wants. Being the person that I am, I want to grow spiritually and emotionally. I am 27 and my husband will be 30 in October. We have so much growing left to do, so much to learn about ourselves and our desires. It would be wrong for me to deny my husband the option to tell me when he thinks I am going in the wrong direction. I value his opinion, above all others. However, I don't know a lot of people that take "creative criticism" well, and frankly, I know for a fact that I don't. Being the dominant person, this leaves room for me to push him out, even when he's right. This is something we have not yet found a solution for, other than having the fight, and working through it that way.

Then there are times, like when we fight, that he acts inappropriately. He loses his temper, even yells at me sometimes, and that is just not acceptable in a female-led relationship. It really isn't acceptable for any relationship. But the benefit of this lifestyle, is that when he acts out in a way that I don't like, there is the option of punishment. The punishment can be physical or mental, but never emotional. I never withhold myself emotionally from my husband. I try to always be honest about my feelings with him, and I would expect the same.

Back to the punishment.

My husband is a masochist. If you want more details, click the word. Basically, it means that my husband enjoys some kinds of pain. This is something that is really hard for some people to understand. However, if you talk to a masochist about it, they will tell you that pain given to them by a sexual partner (or sometimes even in cases not involving sex) is almost like a drug. It takes their mind to a different place, and also helps them to be more submissive.

The aspect of causing someone physical pain as punishment seems barbaric. I had a very hard time with it at first. I entered my relationship with the man who is now my husband when I was 23. In some ways it's a benefit, and in some ways it's a hindrance. I didn't know much at all about masochism, and I was literally afraid to hurt him. It's only been in the past two months that I have even been able to hit him hard enough with the riding crop to leave a bruise. The really funny thing is, he told me that when he saw the bruises in the mirror, it made him smile, and it made him thankful that he had a mistress who was not afraid to be strict.

There are other forms of punishment. Chores are a good one. I like nothing better than seeing my husband do dishes, or mop the floors. The first three years of our relationship, I did ALL the housework, pretty much. This has changed a great deal since we stepped into our new roles.

I also control when, and how, he has orgasms. Orgasm management is something I really, truly did not understand until I read the blog Around Her Finger. Now that I get it, I love what it does for us. When we were younger, I used to have to beg for sex. I would cry regularly, having been rejected YET AGAIN, when making advances for sex. I waited until I was 23 to have sex for the first time, and when I found the man I wanted to be with, our libidos did not match. This was the cause of probably hundreds of our fights.

Now that I manage his orgasms, we have sex whenever it pleases me, and he only orgasms if I say he can. Often we have sex, then he goes down on me until I orgasm several times, and then we are finished. There is always cuddling. At first it was strange to orgasm, and not have it completed by his. But you get used to it, and so does he. It's a strange concept though, taking away something he really wants, yet he loves that I have control of it. When he does get to orgasm, he claims that they are more potent, stronger, and more powerful than his orgasms of the past. He doesn't get to masturbate anymore either, which helps. His sexual energy is saved completely for his mistress, and that is how it should be.

I don't claim to know a lot about female dominance. I get the concept. But the execution is a little harder to accomplish. I am not an experienced mistress, but I will get there. :-)


  1. I've only just discovered your blog, but have really enjoyed reading your thoughts so far, and its nice to read points of view from a dominant woman who is slightly unsure/finding her feet. That's where I am right now, but even more in limbo due to other problems in our relationship (I'm not married). Its good to read how you are finding solutions and working together, I look forward to reading more and hope all goes well with you!


  2. Probably as soon as you can you should stop accepting input from him and you make the decisions. Even if you are not 100% correct YOU are in charge. Have you discovered the authors Elise Sutton and Barbara Abernathy?? The book "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance & Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism" by Philip Miller was also recommended to me.


About Me

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I am 27, married, and I am a loving and dominant wife. I live in a quiet, South American coastal village with my husband and our two dogs. I have been writing as long as I can remember. I have had much experience with relationships in my short life, having cared for the elderly, and the terminally ill for five years. I learned early about the value of honesty, with yourself and those close to you. This blog is about teaching that lesson to others, and helping them better their relationships of all forms.